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Shit Shower… No Really…

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This personal update is not for the faint of heart.  It includes a little of everything; blood, sweat, tears, and shit.  Yeah, you don’t often hear that last one do you?  You must not live in the country.  There seems to be several constants about living out away from it all.  You have the long days, the hard work, the headaches, and the shit.  You have horse shit (great for the garden), dog shit, rabbit shit (which the dogs love to eat), cat shit, chicken shit (which REALLY stinks), and when your septic decides it’s time to back up and overflow… your shit.

So… here’s the break down.  Remember that silver lining post from a few weeks back.  You know, finding the morel mushrooms when the tractor broke down.  Well, the part finally came in.  I managed to get it all assembled, was feeling great and oh so accomplished.  I went out to mow the lawn which now resembled something akin to a rain forest mixed with a hay field.  Got about halfway done, and the NEW bolts supplied with the NEW part stripped out.  Leaving me with an utterly broken down tractor… again.  Also, the blades looked like a slinky they were so bent up.

Now.. the weekend was supposed to start right.  We had planned a nice breakfast at Bob Evan’s (thank you BOGO coupon) then we were off to see a matinee film at the cinema (yay, $5 tickets).  It was to be a nice relaxing day… then do a little shopping (new mower blades and some food) then home to continue the chores.  It was not meant to be.

I was taking my nice relaxing shower when it was interrupted by the frantic command to “TURN OFF THE WATER!”  Ohh k… then… “The basement is flooding.”  Not ok.  A little inspection later and two things were determined: 1. The previous own of this home was an idiot (no disrespect to the dead) 2. There was shit in my basement.  Turns out the sewage pipes throughout the house were completely backed up.  Also turns out the previous own had left an OPEN pipe connected to the sewage lines, but it’s ok.. he covered the open end with electrical tape.  The cheap bastard didn’t even spring for the duct tape.  So, the backed up sewage found the path of least resistance, and created a mesmerising fountain of poop coloured water cascading down in to my basement.  Let that visual set in for a minute.

A trip to Home Depot later for some PVC pipe and supplies (well we did go to Bob Evan’s.. you don’t let a BOGO coupon go to waste!) and we were home to try to regain the use of our septic system.

Turns out, depressurising the sewer line is even less fun than it sounds like.  Also.. it stinks.  Over two hours later, of alternating buckets full of poop water, and the one titular shit shower (yes, this is when the pressure in the line is sufficient to push the plug out and rain the contents of your septic line down upon you) we were finally able to inspect the line.

A big thank you goes out to our neighbour who graciously lent us the use of her industrial drain snake.  This thing was built in the 50’s, when people still built things.  It looks like it could knock a hole in a cement wall, let alone unclog a drain.  A medieval drain clearing mace, it was.

Turns out, there was just this massive blockage in the line heading out to the septic tank.  One year.. that’s how long this septic tank and drain field has been there.  One.  Fucking Unions.

Anyway.. to end this long diatribe… cleared blockage, cut out piping and fixed it to prevent future shit fountains, and added enough septic bacteria stuff to dissolve a small village.  Here’s to hoping.

Also… scrubbed ourselves raw.  I don’t think I’ve ever used that much soap at one time.  I’ll never be clean again.

Oh.. and on the tractor front.. Sunday, bought new blades, reassembled the tractor for the fourth time (using the case hardened original bolts) and managed to cut the remainder of the yard.  Finally.

Now we don’t look like those redneck neighbours.  We only smell like them.


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